Anxiety is a constant fight. Each fight feels scary and like the bell will never ring. When the punches are thrown, and the bell finally rings I’m relieved that I've survived.
From the Fall of 2019 to March of 2020, I had retired my boxing gloves. I thought I was in retirement and I could leave the ring for good. Unfortunately I'm unexpectedly back in the ring with my opponent. This time my anxiety has come back with vengeance. It’s studied my every move for the past year. It’s gained endurance and overall become stronger.
Anxiery has knocked me down before, but my coping skills and other methods have gotten me back up. This time, I’m barely able to stand up. I feel powerless and weak.
I haven't felt this amount of sadness and defeat in a long time. It's taking me longer to recover, and at many points throughout the week I‘ve planned to throw In the gloves for good.
I know it's naive to think my chronic anxiety would somehow be cured. It's easy to be swept up by your brain's leveled chemicals and start to believe that you no longer have to enter the ring again.
The fight has lasted a month. It is so easy to drop out of college for a semester and give up for three months, but I know that anxiety has never been weakened by me taking a break.
My first move was to be honest with everyone, Including my professors. This was difficult, but I needed them to know. I felt ashamed. I was terrified that the professors would not understand and tell me to give up. The responses I received were the exact opposite. I felt encouraged and confident that I would pass my classes and finally finish my senior year. My unstable ground was made a little more steady.
My next move was to give myself grace. I have survived one month of anxiety. Each morning of pain, shaking, and tears. Yet, I still got out of bed. I got through my day and managed to meet deadlines.
I hold myself to a very high standard academically. I doubt myself often and worry excessively over grades, but I’m putting in the effort to pass each class.
I’m beginning to appreciate these small victories and learning to celebrate them.
So, as the fight continues I celebrate the small wins. Every punch I receive, I get back up and stand my ground.
I don't know when my fight will come to an end, but I'm feeling a little stronger with each step.
When the bell final rings on this one and I leave the match. I know I’ll be stronger for the next one.